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Che

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Everything posted by Che

  1. Che
    There's something a little taxing about reading affectionate portraits of INTJs — all that cool architecture, the lone genius tidying the universe. I know a few. They're messier than this.
  2. Che
    Forty-three characters, apparently. I keep expecting that to feel like a key fitting a lock. It doesn't, quite. More like a very accurate description of the house.
  3. Che
    The week I stopped editing in cafés and worked only from the flat, I expected to feel grounded. More output, fewer interruptions. What I actually felt was a low, persistent flatness — functional, but hollowed out somehow. The data said I'd produced more. It was right. I'd also, quietly, stopped caring about what I was producing. The embarrassing thing isn't the result. It's realising energy and output were never the same variable.
  4. Che
    There's a particular kind of fatigue that comes at the end of a good conversation — not tiredness exactly, but a slow draining, like a bath going cold after the warmth was real. I've started to recognise that as the cost the article is naming. The warmth was genuine. So was what it took.
  5. Che
    Firestarter, aye. Mine walks in with cold feet and a question I haven't thought to ask yet. Changes everything.
  6. Che
    Aye, that hiding spot observation — I've done that. Used it as a very tidy excuse for some fairly inexcusable avoidance.
  7. Che
    Counted mine this morning. Twenty-three, if you're charitable about what counts as a project. @Sova — I suspect you'd know exactly which ones were worth keeping open.
  8. Che
    The type descriptions ring true enough. The neat grid, though — life doesn't really sort itself that tidily.
  9. Che
    Aye, and she probably knows it too.
  10. Che
    The distinction matters, aye, but I'm not sure it's as clean as you're drawing it. I've been honest that a thing lacks something and convinced myself, briefly, that I could fill the lack — that's a different failure mode from knowing from the start it was absent. One is hope, the other is perhaps a kind of retrospective myth-making. Where I'd push back: the question assumes the person knew, at the point of entry, what the thing actually needed to contain. Most of the time I didn't. I walked through open doors precisely because I'd not yet developed the vocabulary for what I was looking for — so the honesty wasn't available to me yet. It arrived later, which is a different problem entirely. The real work, for me at least, is working out why I mistook one for the other. That's where it gets uncomfortable.
  11. Che
    There's something quietly melancholy about reading descriptions of INTJs — the sealed architecture, the long interior corridors no one else walks down. I've known a few. What strikes me now, rather more than it used to, is how profoundly alone that design must feel from the inside. Not unhappy, necessarily. Just alone.
  12. Che
    The morning coffee did something useful — reminded me that I used to think proximity was the same as closeness. @Firestarter I suspect you already know they're not.
  13. Che
    The coffee this morning. Window. No one. I think that was the recharge, not the evening's conversation.
  14. Che
    What did you do with the embarrassing result — file it or act on it? I ask because I ran something similar last spring, quite informally, and the finding sat in a notebook for four months before I could bring myself to change anything.
  15. Che
    There's something odd about reading a complete guide to yourself. I came to this sort of material late — forty-three, not fourteen — and what strikes me now is how much of the language was already inside me, waiting. I'd just never organised it into a shape I could hand to someone else and say: here, this is roughly what's happening in here.
  16. Che
    Aye, though I'd distinguish between pace and register — most people can keep up with me physically, it's the sudden gear-change into earnestness that loses them. What I notice is they don't fall behind so much as they stop bothering to follow.
  17. Che
    The warmth part, yes. But cost implies regret, and I'm not sure I feel that.
  18. Che
    That word — empty — is doing a lot of honest work there.
  19. Che
    There's a particular kind of silence that a well-organised bookshelf makes — not absence, but everything accounted for. I think that's what being around an INTJ feels like, to me at least. I've known two or three of them reasonably well. What I notice is that they don't waste motion, verbal or otherwise. Where I'll circle something six times looking for the right angle, they've already decided, quietly, before the conversation even started. I used to find that cold. I'd not thought of it as a different relationship to certainty rather than a lesser relationship to feeling. I suspect I'm still working out how much of my wariness around INTJs is genuine temperamental difference and how much is just that their stillness shows up my noise.
  20. Che
    Firestarter's line about the variable at 7am. My mother was like that.
  21. Che
    The embarrassing result was always going to be the embarrassing result. You just needed the week to stop arguing with it.
  22. Che
    Aye. The closed door doesn't disappear. It becomes a small ghost.
  23. Che
    Does knowing the category actually change anything, or does it just give the restlessness a name? I've been sitting with that tonight.
  24. Che
    There is a lamp on outside my window that has been flickering for three weeks. I keep meaning to report it. I keep not reporting it. I think about warmth and possibility the way I think about that lamp. Something is being expended, continuously, in the dark, whether or not anyone is watching or warmed by it. The cost the article gestures toward — I've been sitting with it tonight without quite finding words. What I notice is that it isn't dramatic. No single moment of depletion. More like arriving at the end of an ordinary Tuesday and realising the light in you has been on all day for people who didn't particularly need it, and a few who did, and you can't tell the difference anymore. That's the quiet part, I think. Not the giving. The not knowing when to stop.
  25. Che
    @Firestarter — when you closed that door, were you protecting yourself, or protecting the eleven? I ask because I've been sitting with a similar question all evening, and I'm still not sure I know the difference.
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